101 Things Not To Say During Sex
1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose
7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out
11. Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today
12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch! 25. Got any penicillin? 26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance...
47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people..
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession...
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll stil vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please
78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
79. You can cook, too right?
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself?
82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed
85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer"
93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too? 96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose
7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out
11. Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today
12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch! 25. Got any penicillin? 26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance...
47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people..
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession...
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll stil vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please
78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
79. You can cook, too right?
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself?
82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed
85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer"
93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too? 96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?
Big no no's.
Pojkar, pojkar, pojkar..
Det finns saker som man faktiskt bör undvika när man rultar runt i sänghalmen..
Lyssna noga nu.
1. Var inte knäpptyst.
Är jag ensam här? Lever han? Är han vaken? Förstår han att vi knullar? Han har känsel i kuken..?
2. Tro inte att du är en porrfilmsskådis.
Alltså, dirty talk i all ära, men det finns gränser. Att spanka någon och stöna "Oh yeah" för glatta livet är inte sexigt. Det är bara löjligt, desperat och känns väldigt oproffsigt. Dessutom är det nästintill omöjligt att hålla sig för skratt. Inte bra.
3. Fråga inte dumma frågor.
Gör det bara inte. Jag vill inte ens behöva ge ett exempel. Det känns bara självklart. Eller förresten: "Du, vilket hål är snoppen i?" är ett exempel på en dum fråga. Don't!
4. Prata inte för mycket.
När jag har sex, vill jag ha sex. Inte chit-chatta. Visst, några tändande ord, en kolla-av-läget, eller eventuellt kommunikation angående just precis det man håller på. Men that's it. Lägg energin på knullandet, och prata om världsliga saker efteråt, en annan gång eller inte alls.
5. Behåll inte strumporna på(!).
Det har sagts förr, men tål att sägas igen. Det. Är. Inte. Okey. At all.
6. Kör inte (på i samma takt i) samma ställning.
Men byt inte var femtonde sekund heller. Omväxling förnöjer, men man vill gärna hinna uppfatta ställningarna innan de byts. Detta är en fin balansgång, pojkar.
Sen så har jag en, som jag vet att kvinnor världen över har en mycket delad uppfattning om..
7. Raka inte bort allt hår.
Jag är en heterosexuell kvinna, och vill därför ligga med män. Män för mig är håriga. Åtminstone hårigare än jag. Män ska ha hår under armarna. De ska ha raggarsträng. De ska ha kvar håret de har på bröstet. De ska definitivt ha lurviga ben. Lite skäggstubb är heller inte fel. Dock ska det ansas kring det tredje benet. Det är nog de allra flesta kvinnor överens om.
Det var allt för denna gång.
Kisses 'n' hugs
Ms. Pretty
Det finns saker som man faktiskt bör undvika när man rultar runt i sänghalmen..
Lyssna noga nu.
1. Var inte knäpptyst.
Är jag ensam här? Lever han? Är han vaken? Förstår han att vi knullar? Han har känsel i kuken..?
2. Tro inte att du är en porrfilmsskådis.
Alltså, dirty talk i all ära, men det finns gränser. Att spanka någon och stöna "Oh yeah" för glatta livet är inte sexigt. Det är bara löjligt, desperat och känns väldigt oproffsigt. Dessutom är det nästintill omöjligt att hålla sig för skratt. Inte bra.
3. Fråga inte dumma frågor.
Gör det bara inte. Jag vill inte ens behöva ge ett exempel. Det känns bara självklart. Eller förresten: "Du, vilket hål är snoppen i?" är ett exempel på en dum fråga. Don't!
4. Prata inte för mycket.
När jag har sex, vill jag ha sex. Inte chit-chatta. Visst, några tändande ord, en kolla-av-läget, eller eventuellt kommunikation angående just precis det man håller på. Men that's it. Lägg energin på knullandet, och prata om världsliga saker efteråt, en annan gång eller inte alls.
5. Behåll inte strumporna på(!).
Det har sagts förr, men tål att sägas igen. Det. Är. Inte. Okey. At all.
6. Kör inte (på i samma takt i) samma ställning.
Men byt inte var femtonde sekund heller. Omväxling förnöjer, men man vill gärna hinna uppfatta ställningarna innan de byts. Detta är en fin balansgång, pojkar.
Sen så har jag en, som jag vet att kvinnor världen över har en mycket delad uppfattning om..
7. Raka inte bort allt hår.
Jag är en heterosexuell kvinna, och vill därför ligga med män. Män för mig är håriga. Åtminstone hårigare än jag. Män ska ha hår under armarna. De ska ha raggarsträng. De ska ha kvar håret de har på bröstet. De ska definitivt ha lurviga ben. Lite skäggstubb är heller inte fel. Dock ska det ansas kring det tredje benet. Det är nog de allra flesta kvinnor överens om.
Det var allt för denna gång.
Kisses 'n' hugs
Ms. Pretty
